Post mortem

I hate Atlanta already.

First, it's the reason I'm here. It shouldn't have to be like this. I hoped to win back the heart of the person I came for. Instead, I've had to flee Birmingham, so she could no longer feel threatened by my presence.

Not that she even has a way to know that I left. But I couldn't in good conscience stay, after she reluctantly reached out to me while drunk, only to tell me how much she now hates my guts; how much it scared her I was there; and how she wants me to suffer...

Second, the room is a dump. Compared to the comfortable suite they had for me at the Meadowbrook Hampton Inn, this Holiday Inn Express is a cramped, poorly ventilated shithole, at a higher price. The desk is tiny and it shakes when I type. I shouldn't have chosen downtown.

I would write more, but I'm dead inside. Maybe tomorrow. In the meanwhile... I wonder if I can read tarot.

At my 5'7", I never thought I'd find a hotel bed in the US that feels too short for comfortable sleeping. Well, there's a first time for everything.

Jana asks me if I'm sad. That word does not quite capture my feelings correctly. A better expression would be terrified. I find myself in the worst possible outcome I could have imagined. How could my good intentions lead to this? It reminds me of the driver from the advertisement who was texting "I love you", only to run over three kids.

I had an opportunity to experience something I very much wanted to experience. If I had seen the other person for who she is, and acted on her terms, we both would have been able to do it. Instead, I saw her for what I wanted her to be, and I wanted it to happen on my terms.

I wanted it too much. I could not keep my desire in check; and over time, it only kept growing. I did not want to keep it in check because, for one time in my life, I wanted to be utterly in love, and consume it. I wanted this to be the opportunity for that; I thought it was the opportunity for that; but it wasn't.

Then, there's a side of me that seeks fairness and justice; a side whose passion is passing judgment, and making sure that things are righteous, and correct. On multiple occasions, this indignant side of me has sabotaged what I wanted. It is perfectly willing to harm my goals, even my cherished goals, if it means adhering to a sense of justice.

The cards spoke with surprising clarity. "Study the failure." "Concern yourself with money." "Work, prosperity, success." "Move on."

There's nothing else to do now.


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