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Showing posts from June, 2013

The false premise of Mating in Captivity

I was finally able to get a Kindle - Amazon finally started shipping a good model to a country where I live, though the promise of "3G Works Globally" is a pipe dream. The wireless connectivity doesn't work here in Costa Rica - I have to download content to the Kindle via USB.

My curiosity was recently piqued by someone mentioning Mating in Captivity, so I tried that as my first Kindle purchase. The author, Esther Perel, puts forward the following thesis:

Excessive intimacy kills sexual desire. Desire needs mystery and distance.

The author appears to believe this based on her experience as a therapist. She adheres to this belief despite contradictory evidence: she describes patients of her own where increased intimacy led to increased desire in all their past relationships, except the current one, for which they sought therapy.

For some people, intimacy may kill desire. But this isn't generally true. Perel might be confusing intimacy with self-repression. You do not …

My case for non-monogamy

For the past 10 years or so, I've "fought the good battle" in online fora, advocating forms of non-monogamy - whether swinging, open relationships, or polyamory - against hordes of combatants conditioned in monogamous prejudice.

Much of the time, people aren't irked as much by my saying that non-monogamy works for those who choose it, but are bothered by my criticisms of monogamy. Their complaint is that I seem to imply that it's an inferior relationship choice.

That's because I think it is. Here's why.

Most people are sexual hypocrites. Most of us will, at some point, want to experience a relationship, or have sex with more than one person in our lives. However, if we have a partner, we don't want that partner to do the same. We have a double standard, but this double standard makes complete evolutionary sense. I want to be free to have sex with whomever I want because that benefits the reproduction of my genes. I don't want you to do the same be…