FAQ about capitalism and capitalists

In my personal experience, I have run across several prevalent misconceptions about capitalism and capitalists. I feel that some of these need to be addressed in a dedicated FAQ. If you have run into other misconceptions that you think need addressing, you are welcome to post it in a comment. If you have any of your own questions about capitalism and capitalists, you are welcome to post that, too.

1. Do capitalists eat their own children?

Contrary to popular lore, the answer is - disappointingly - no. Capitalists do not eat their own children, or indeed even the children of their neighbors. They have been known to eat veal and sometimes caviar, though.

2. Do capitalists eat poor people?

Again, the answer to this question is a let-down. No. Though there have been stories of capitalists burning poor people over a slow roast, upon detailed investigation these have turned out to be myths. It appears that capitalists are actually quite safe to be around, even for people from poorer elements of the society.

3. Do capitalists have souls?

Research is still out on this one. See also Are communists godless?

4. Is capitalism evil?

Although this looks decidedly like a no-brainer, the results of a deeper investigation could be surprising. There is actually a surprising body of research which shows that capitalism improves certain aspects of society, such as: quality and availability of goods; dependability of infrastructure; improved health and education standards; improved general happiness and life expectancy. However, others credibly object that authors of any such research must themselves be soulless, child-eating capitalists, and thus should not be trusted. The jury is still out on this one.

5. What is the best way to defend against godless, child-eating capitalists?

Based on existing experience, the best strategy is to abandon all logic, defy common sense and pre-empt any impulse towards rational thought. Beware talking sense to a capitalist: as the uncivilised creature he is, he will resort to the cruelest possible tactics, such as logical thinking, and won't be reluctant to use the inhumane pressure of rational argument. Avoid this weapon of destruction at all cost. It has been found that one might survive a capitalist attack by surrounding oneself in a sufficiently thick fog of irrational claims and appeals to emotions.

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